Deserted Island Gear
by Alan R. Wolcott
Scene is school cafeteria. Kids are talking while they eat bag lunches. Cans of soda to drink.
- Travis:
- (sees Amanda and heads over to her table) The mice squeaked more than you did today in Mr. Smith’s Social Studies...what’s up?
- Amanda:
- Well, I was just trying to remember what they told us last summer about wilderness camping. They had a shortlist of necessities you should always carry,...just in case. But I don’t know which would be the 3 most important ones if I got dumped on some deserted island. Maybe the box of waterproof matches?
- Travis:
- Not me. (Pops open and slurps his soft drink.) I’d have me a case of ice-cold Cola Blaster—don’t leave home without it!
- Amanda:
- Thank you, Commercial Man. Get serious, Travis.
- Travis:
- All right, then I’d take my nite-light. I hate it when we go camping and there’s nothing but lightning bugs and mosquitoes able to see where they’re going.
- Amanda:
- Strike two, Laser Brain. What are you going to plug it in to? This is a deserted island, remember? Most of them don’t come equipped with handy-dandy surge protected outlets.
- Travis:
- So, (makes face) I’ll bring my flashlight. What’s your second choice?
- Amanda:
- That’s where I got stuck in class. At camp our instructor kept emphasizing the importance of latrine hygiene. (In Scoutmistress’ tone of voice): “A good camp is a clean camp. And girls, don’t think you won’t have to go—no one holds it forever, you know.” She insisted everyone take one of those foldable shovels. But I don’t know...if it’s a deserted island, who cares? Maybe I’d just take my pillow. I can never sleep anywhere without it.
- Travis:
- Hmmm, La-trine Hy-giene—sounds like one of those Special Ed. Classes to me.
- Amanda:
- Shut up! That’s disgusting. At least I’m sure about the third thing I’d want with me...
- Travis:
- Oh yeah? Some sort of weapon? Too bad he said we couldn’t take a gun. I guess I’d want to take a hatchet or an axe...just in case.
- Amanda:
- I’d bring a sword.
- Travis:
- A sword?! Right, where would you get that? I suppose you could borrow it from your local knight in shining armor, moi-meme (points to self; pantomimes sword play).
- Amanda:
- Better hope Vader doesn’t see you doing that...You can get the sword I’m talking about at the bookstore. It’s the Bible.
- Travis:
- How’s that a sword? And how is that going to help you?
- Amanda:
- It’s a sword because it’s God’s Word and it cuts right down to our consciences. It cuts away both our pride and our guilt. But I want my Bible along mostly for another reason.
- Travis:
- What’s that?
- Amanda:
- Because it’s a map, too. It lays out the directions to heaven and provides guidance for daily staying in touch with Jesus. And since He’s about the only one who can get me successfully off that island, I want to keep that line open.
- Travis:
- OK, (finishes lunch but leaves paper and crumbs as he leaves) once I get off, I’m going to see someone from Dewey-Cheatem-&-Howe to see about suing Mr. Smith for putting me out there in the first place.
- Amanda:
- Cute. (Looking at what he left, then calling after him). Maybe you ought to consider taking your mom along—who’s going to clean up after you?
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