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Phases of the Moon

by Alan R. Wolcott

We have a better cure than Metamucil or “harsh chemical laxatives” at our house. It’s called “2 Past LO1 Disorder” and I expect that it will be included with the childhood anxiety disorders in the DSM IV-R or DSM V (whichever comes first). Symptoms appear nightly about 8:02 just after Dad and Mom have picked up a magazine, book or paper and retreated to the living room.

“Dad, can I go to the bathroom?”

“I thought you just went.”

“But I didn’t take a dump.”

“You should have thought about that before.”

Silence for 1 minute. At 8:03:30 the sequence goes into instant replay. Five replays later a different voice cuts in. “After she’s done, can I go, too?” This is gang violence!

There is a clear, scientifically proven connection between lights out and an irresistible urge for toilet flushing with children ages 4-13. Before the conclusion of bedside prayers my daughter’s standard response is, “But I did that yesterday.” In fact, until she learned to read, she and the WC were only nodding acquaintances. But with book in hand, she can put off the sandman for 25 minutes, especially if one of the boys has expressed a similar need.

Part of the disorder includes exhibitionism. The very child who raises a hullabaloo over having to share the same room on vacation with her siblings provokes nightly howls of despair by dropping “trow” en route to or from the can. “Dad, she mooned me again!”

This has become a major concern in that I have read somewhere (a tabloid?) that this is the sort of behavior which was common in Bill Clinton’s childhood home. I shouldn’t have to spell out the negative consequences, when innuendo will do. Wasn’t he the only President to tell an MTV audience that he wears “boxers?” It’s just a short step from there to mooning the Joint Chiefs, I’ll warrant.

So, I’m worried that in 35 years my daughter will become Chief Executive with lingering “2 Past LO* Disorder.” Can you imagine the fits that would give to the Secret Service?

Ponder that. But I’d plan to vote for her anyway.

1Lights Out